The closest to prison I will ever get....

Would be the first impression of my new job. That place is...strict.

• No cellphones AT ALL, like not even off in your purse, this includes the breakroom, smoke shack (not that it applies to me) or on the work floor. They have to be out in your car.
• There are no clocks anywhere on the walls...just a room full of cubicles.
• If you clock in even 1 minute late, they count it against you. 3 gets you a write up. You have the chance to be late 4 times in one single day.
• No books, crosswords, anything extra at your desk.
• You have to maintain a 95% performance rate.

One bonus is the dresscode is basically anything except tank tops, short shorts, flipflops and sweat pants as long as your clothes are clean and in good repair you're good to go.
Another bonus is the pay, I must say that is the BIGGEST reason I chose to apply for this job.
Plus it's only temporary...when the baby comes I will be done there.
I just gotta keep an open mind...I'm sure they just made it sound so awful today to kinda weed out the people who are there to just screw around and not take their job seriously.

Playing Catch Up on the Last Few Days....

I haven't updated my blog in a few days and I guess it's time....

          And of course it always seems that if one thing is going wrong it can't always be the only thing and other stuff has to fall apart along with it. Which is when I come to the part of my baby daddy calling last night and talking to me for 50 minutes about nothing. He called to "see how everything is going" which is something he hasn't done this entire time...which was the number one thing I thought was odd, then tried to tell me how much he cares about me and how he never meant to hurt me and how he's going to "try really really hard" 

     Then come to find out that a couple days ago he got in a fight with the girl he decided to date instead of make this family work and said something to the effect of "fine don't be with me then" Now it makes more sense, like he was hoping I'd just jump back on the bandwagon and give him another shot. I'm just done with him. I told him that too, I told him I'm not going to hold my breath and wait for him to grow up. If he can prove himself he can try and make a relationship with Broderyck but I honestly know that in due time when he's old enough he will realize just like the rest of us that his dad is just a let down...that he doesn't follow through and stretches the truth to such an extreme that even he doesn't know what's true and what he's made up. 

     Speaking of let downs by dads on Sunday my dad took me to the zoo like I asked him to, but instead of it being a "father daughter" day with me and my sisters he randomly invited my aunt and her kids, it's not a bad thing he just didn't ask, and then proceeded to make things "fair" by buying everyone else breakfast at McDonald's and all I got was A hash-brown...then lunch came and everyone had pre-made sub sandwiches and I had to make my own. I just always feel like because I'm vegetarian I get singled out and everyone sees it as more of a burden than anything and it's really frustrating, I've been a vegetarian for almost 6 years...you'd think my family would be used to it by now.

      It's been quite the frustrating few days it's true. Saturday was Brett and Chelsea's official house warming party. I was VIP which meant that I agreed to come early and stay there late in order to keep Chelsea sane in case any shit went down.

      Well some shit definitely went down and there wasn't anything I could do about it. We probably shouldn't have been talking shit it's true, but the girls we had a problem with shouldn't have been there anyways. 

     They knew Chelsea didn't like them and still they insisted on coming and being loud and drinking too much. The night ended up with the one girl trying to beat the crap out of Chelsea's 14 year old cousin and the other girl showing way too much of her bare skin that we didn't want to see. The crap talk continued and the girl who fought Kait decided to say that she wouldn't have had a problem fighting anyone there, even me, even with me being pregnant. That is ridiculous. We're not in high school anymore. I am SO sick of drama. SO sick of it. Like I have enough of it without stupid girls trying to act hard.

So glad things are panning out to my advantage

I have been down about a lot of things lately and it hasn't really been fair to me or many people around me. I was looking around and everywhere I just saw all my friends and people that I went to school with living with their long term boyfriends, getting engaged, getting married and starting their families. It was very hard for me to sit and watch while being single, lonely and pregnant. 

And in good news I went and got a fetal echo done on Broderyck yesterday and the cardiologist at Primary Childrens said that he has beautiful veins, lol. And that even if he was my family member he would tell me that I have nothing to worry about. At least not as far as major things go. So Broderyck is very lucky and won't have to have surgery like I did when I was a baby, this is such a relief since that was my biggest fear these 22 weeks, and even before I got pregnant I was always afraid that I would pass on my heart condition. Praise Jesus I didn't. I can't wait until my beautiful healthy baby boy gets here,

 

How do you know?

• How do you know when you truly are in love?
• How do you know what is best for someone else?
• How do you know that what helped you in a situation will help someone else?
• How do you know who your true friends are?
• How do you know that someone you care deeply about won't leave suddenly?
• How do you know what is the perfect career path for you?
• How do you know that your family will always be there for you?
• How do you know when to let go?
• How do you know when you're guarding your heart to strongly?
• How do you know how you want to raise your kids?
• How do you know heaven is real?
• How do you know that who you "think" is your type, is really who you are meant to be with?
• How do you know that other people aren't going through the same thing you are?
• How do you know that your parents "don't understand"?
• How do you know you're living your life the best way you can?
• How do you know when it's too much to handle?
• How do you know.....anything?

Faith....and a strong heart....believe in your gut feelings, everything happens for a reason.

Chelsea and Brett's Housewarming Party!!

I am so excited for my best friend Chelsea and her long time bf Brett to get married. He proposed on Easter, right after they closed on their new townhouse. They are the funniest couple ever, and they are such a blast to hangout with.

We don't even have to do anything, we can seriously just sit around their house and have fun. Or for Chelsea's birthday we watched Vampire Diaries and then went to The Last Song. Somehow we make a grand ol time out of everything.

They are getting married next May, and I'm super stoked to find out all their details. Hopefully Brett get's some cute friends soon and they can hook me up! haha. That would make the whole situation that much better. haha.

Drumroll Please.....

Well I went to the perinatologist yesterday to make sure that everything looks alright as far as spine, leg length, head size, brain hemispheres, heart chambers...and well everything looked great. Then my next appointment is on the 20th of this month with Primary Children's Hospital to do a fetal echo to make sure that the baby doesn't have the same heart condition that I was born with. My cardiologist said that there is a less than 50% chance that is possible, but I still have my fingers crossed!

The other fabulous news that I found out yesterday is that  

I'm having a boy!!

I have no brothers, and my mom has no brothers, so it will be a whole new world we're dealing with...but I am actually  excited. I mean it's a new thing, which just makes it that much more special. 

it's supposed to be a "boy year" anyways, like everyone I know are having boy babies. I think I've heard of one person having a girl baby. lol. She's going to be terribly out-numbered.

The only thing is that I wish his dad would step up and be a man. I was honestly going to give him a second chance after he sat across from me and begged me to give him a second chance, he told he loved me more than anything, that he would change and that what happened in our original breakup would never happen again. Being a family was all that he wanted and he called off his relationship with whatever other girls he was hanging out with to make sure that was possible. I honestly was starting to believe him, I really thought he was being sincere. But once again I was fooled. Once again he said "all the right things" even if he didn't mean them.

Yesterday when I came to talk to him about the doctor appointment, and show him all the super cute baby stuff I bought during my excitement of finally knowing the sex, he proceeded to tell me that he doesn't think dating me will work, that being friends is all that will happen out of this and that he doesn't want what happened last time to happen again, and then also had to throw in that if he starts dating the girl he was before that I'm not allowed to be upset. Who honestly tells their pregnant ex that? "Oh I'm excited you're pregnant with a boy...but I want to date this other girl" I just feel like such fool for even considering giving him a second chance. I'm just done with him I think. If he wants to be "friends" whatever...he will get the same treatment as my other guy friends who want to be a part of this babies life. He hasn't proved to be any use to me other than being a sperm donor, and I personally don't think that he should get special treatment for something as easy as that....

Emotional Rollercoaster is me.

       I've been up and down for days, dang hormones. But today has been a really good day. Between finding out what my work schedule is for my new job, getting the frappuchino I was craving and it being Happy Hour when I stopped at Sonic, I feel pretty freaking good today.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

      The only thing slightly bothering me is my littlest sister blaming the bad stuff she does on a "voice" in her head. I honestly don't know whether to buy what she's saying or brush it off as some excuse to get away with stuff. My mom is really freaked out and is afraid that she could have gotten bi-polar disorder from her biological mom, since it is sometimes mistaken for ADHD when kids are young and that is what she is currently treated for. 

      It is such a strange thing to deal with such an occurrence is ones life. I try to be understanding because she really has been through a lot in her life and really no one knows what she is going through but her. It all happened so long ago that she doesn't really recall what happened and that makes it hard too, like my parents want to take her to counseling but I don't know how much good it would do to talk about something you don't remember...she's almost 10, and she was abused from birth until she was 3; and then she came to live with us. She learned how to talk and quickly caught up pretty close to the level she should be on. I really hope this all blows over soon.

Easter 2010!!

This Easter was a little different than usual. First thing I went to Mass with Michael, Anecia and Tony and their family. It was actually a pretty interesting experience. I have never been to Catholic church today and it was so much different than any other service I've ever been to. But I enjoyed it actually. 

Then after we got done with mass we went to J&D's and had some breakfast, then I went to my grandma Peterson's house. She was serving breakfast too, so I didn't eat there but I had a little fruit and just visited with my family. 

We weren't supposed to color Easter Eggs until later in the evening but around 3 o'clock I got a text, well a few explaining that egg coloring time was moved up to...well right then. So I headed back over to Anecia and Michael's house and we opened our Easter baskets from Marie....

Then after we all opened our baskets

Kalel got all hyped up on Pixie Sticks.

We finally got down to the egg coloring. Apparently around here it's tradition to color "dirty eggs" I didn't even know what we should draw, and mine didn't really turn out dirty. Just random.

I think that Anecia won the "Dirty Egg" contest:

For some reason there was like 5 dozen eggs that we were supposed to color and after Kalel colored about 5 he was done and ready to just eat them, and Anecia and Michael decided they needed to eat some as well....

We all worked very hard on our eggs...
 

my pregnant egg. :)

anecia's baby chicken egg, and an overview of most of our eggs.

If it all happens for a reason, then what is the reasoning?

    I've been doing some thinking, okay A LOT of thinking, about love and life lately. Maybe I'm just feeling philosophical because I'm going to be a mom soon but I seriously feel like I'm in a world of chaos and would like the light at the end of the tunnel to present itself...soon if possible.

"Why is it that we can care about someone so dearly but them not be the people we're meant to be with? Why is it that you can go on with your life and date other people and them as well but they are still in the back of your mind? Why is it with some relationships you don't necessarily want to be with that person, but you don't want anyone else to have them either? How can you want someone to be happy still even if it sacrafices your happiness? Why does it always feel like one tiny pebble causes more damage than you think it should? How do you honestly prevent money from effecting your relationships? What if that one thing wouldn't have happened...how would things be different now?"

    These are big questions without a definite answer, questions that arise when things are tougher than usual. I'm sure I'm not the only person to feel or think these things. I personally have always been a HUGE believer in "everything happens for a reason" but sometimes it just feels like stuff just happens, without an obvious reason. Eventually the answer will come out I'm sure, hopefully sooner than later, because I would like an answer to this confusion.

    And, I know, I know...."I have it so much better than some people...things could be so much worse" they could be, you're right.... but why compare your life to other people in that way? Why look down on other people’s misfortunes and say "thank god I'm not them!" That awful comparison works both ways. "Why do they get everything?" "How come I have to deal with this and they don't?" It's like a sibling relationship. I feel this way a lot because I am the oldest child, the "test", it's true that things were harder for me and they might get easier with every kid my parents raise but I can't look at it that way because how am I going to raise my kids...probably with the same method. Parenthood, well life in general, doesn't come with an instruction manual...it's all trial and error. School, jobs, relationships...some are lucky and things work out the first time around but for the majority of us we have to change majors, change careers, change partners once, twice or 7 times before we find exactly what we're meant to do, be and make our lives complete.

    I've never once thought my life was perfect, but no ones ever is. Honestly. Everyone says that but c'mon, look around. We look up to sports players, celebrities; our parents...everyone has rough patches. We just need to tighten the belt and carry on. I might have all these lingering questions and worry about a lot of things that I don't need to but deep down I know I will be okay...I know that God never hands us anything in life that he knows we can't handle. All the suffering we do is aimed to make us stronger, and that's how I am trying to look at everything. Every choice leads you down a different path like one of those "choose your own ending" books, we wish we could peek and see the results before they happen...but we have to just stick it out...hold on tight.... Enjoy the ride. Who knows what tomorrow brings but accept it with a smile, only you can decide your destiny, your happiness and how your life goes. So make the most of it.