Saturday, May 29, 2010

Normality....going once? Going twice? Sold to...Reality.

I'm about sick of anything with a dick. Yep, it's true. Guys have worn me out. I'm sick of all these fake ass guys who think they can just say "hey baby, you're really cute" and get in my pants. Or kiss me and then never talk to me again. Sorry boys, I don't roll that way. I don't play the "if I just stop talking to her and start talking to some other girl things will be okay" game. I play the "honesty is better game" Hell, my facebook profile says "Random, fiesty, creative, blunt, honest, loving, loud, tattooed, veg (6 years), soon to be mom (Aug 31) who hates dishonest, half-truths, backstabbing, & not keeping your word." right in that little about me box that EVERYONE can read, and I don't just write stuff to fill up that little box.

I try and give people chances. But why is it that I'm a stepping stone? Cool, you knew I was prego from the get you ask me something and I'll tell you the honest truth. But fact is I have feelings and you eff with them and you'll get some retaliation. If I fall for a guy I tend to fall hard and it isn't a very common thing. So when you make me believe that you care and feel even SEMI the same way, I will probably believe you...and probably end up hurt...

So lets make a couple things clear....
I'm not easy,
I'm not fake,
I don't put up with losers,
I will not be your sugar mama,
I will not just stick around until something better comes along,
don't sweet talk me unless you mean it,
I love pet names...but not if every girl in your life gets called the same ones-just don't bother if it's "typical",
I do research-when we have common aquantinces I ask about you...I hope that what your friends say and how you treat me match,
If you get to meet my family you're one lucky sob...that's a HUGE deal to me,
It goes both ways-don't introduce me to your family and good friends if it's a one time thing,
If you're a player-just leave me alone,
Don't act like you have no self confidence just to get compliments from me.
I don't mind just hanging out, being friends-I'm not saying once we hangout we have to be an item...but don't treat it like we're one if there isn't any potential.

Just be real with me. High school is over. This isn't reality tv. Things can be really be how they look, seem, and feel. That's what I want in my life.

Monday, May 17, 2010

What's been plaguing me....

I never really know how to react to change, I feel like it's a constant battle. I mean, I lead a pretty spontanious life, but sometimes it feels like it's just out of control. There are, and always will be ups and downs, I get that. I just need to hang on for dear life, and ride it out to the best of my ability, be it terrifying or a thrill.
  • My new job is actually more tollerable than I thought it would be. The days seem to fly by and I believe it's worth the money. I have ran into a few rude people but I just think to myself that they aren't really mad at me, they are mad at the government for making them fill out a form [maybe even 2], deal with people coming door to door, and then deal with someone who is reading the most repetive script ever on the phone. I think I would be a tad annoyed as well to be honest. But I am very thankful to have a job, regardless.
  • I try so hard not to get in over my head when I like guys. Especially now, that I'm pregnant and things will only be more difficult. I try so hard to trick myself into thinking that I don't really like someone as much as I do, or that I'm just giving myself false hope. But what happens when you stop believing yourself? What happens when your heart thinks it knows everything? Everytime that person messages you, you get butterflies and smile on cue, everytime you see that person you feel instantly lighter and happier, everytime you kiss that person you feel like you're in heaven...but you don't get alot of time with that person, you both have your own obligations that sometimes out-weigh one another, or one in particular....what happens then?
  • Living at home again has been a MAJOR challenge for me. Going from just me and Grenade to a house full of hormonal girls again has been...intense. I don't really want to live back here, I really want to be out on my own again, paying my own bills, cooking my own food, shopping vegan, having my own private space, decorating the way I want to. I hate having all of my belongings shoved into boxes and thrown randomly in the garage. I'm starting to feel like a burden around here, like things were easier for everyone else when I wasn't living here. My sister who's 17 seems to feel like I'm stepping into her territory by coming back, since while I was gone she was technically "the oldest" I really don't want anything to do with domination, or being the one in charge. I could care less. I try so hard to be a good big sister, give advice when asked, listen, share treats when I have them, try and not hog the tv remote. It just feels like everything I do in that area year and I'm going to have a down payment on a house....just gotta keep telling myself that.
  • I think that I'm going to start claiming Straight Edge. Alot of girls don't, and I've heard mixed reviews on why they don't. But it's truly not about fighting or "gang" activity I see it as a way of life. I'm avidly against drug-use and I've had my run in a time or two with alcohol and hate it. So why should I be any less "able" to claim a title just because I'm a girl and because I'm not super "tough."
  • I've decided to re-gauge my ears, I'm going to go to a 3/4. And after I have Broderyck I'm going to get my entire left side, and my entire right leg tattooed. I'm done giving a crap about "what about when you're old?" or "you're going to be a mom, what is that going to do to your son" and just what other people think in general 1. tattoos are an expression of ones self. I'm not getting anything because someone else said it would be cool, I'm getting them because it's things that I've always wanted and I'm young and can pull them off and just LOVE tattoos And 2. My son will be raised however I want to raise him, and him having a tattooed vegan mom isn't going to make him any less a great person. He will understand that he has to wait until he's 18 to get a tattoo just like me, but I will gladly support him in his choices and go with him even.
You can't live your life by anyone else's rules. You have to make your own choices, whether that is down a path where someone else traveled or start your own. Just because you make a choice that someone else suggested or you see someone else living a certain way and you'd like to try it and see if it works for you, that doesn't make you any less unique. No matter HOW individual the choice someone, somewhere has made that choice. I find alot of strength in being myself, standing up for what I believe in and living my life to the fullest....and I am so thankful for the company that I keep who support my choices and will always be there no matter how I choose to live my life. I love you all.

Monday, May 10, 2010

"As Lovers Go" by: Dashboard Confessionals

She said "I've gotta be honest,
You're wasting your time if you're fishing round here."
And I said "you must be mistaken,
I'm not fooling... this feeling is real"
She said "you gotta be crazy,
What do you take me for? Some kind of easy mark?
"You've got wits, you've got looks,
You've got passion, but I swear that you've got me all wrong."

All wrong.
All wrong.
But you got me...

I'll be true, I'll be useful...
I'll be cavalier...i'll be yours my dear.
And I'll belong to you...
If you'll just let me through.

This is easy as lovers go,
So don't complicate it by hesitating.
And this is wonderful as loving goes,
This is tailor-made, whats the sense in waiting?

And I said "I've gotta be honest
I've been waiting for you all my life."
For so long I thought I was asylum bound,
But just seeing you makes me think twice.
And being with you here makes me sane,
I fear I'll go crazy if you leave my side.
You've got wits... you've got looks,
You've got passion but are you brave enough to leave with me tonight?

But you've got me...

I'll be true, I'll be useful...
I'll be cavalier...i'll be yours my dear.
And I'll belong to you...
If you'll just let me through.
This is easy as lovers go,
So don't complicate it by hesitating.
And this is wonderful as loving goes,
This is tailor-made, whats the sense in waiting?
This is easy as lovers go,
So don't complicate it by hesitating.
And this is wonderful as loving goes,
This is tailor-made, whats the sense in waiting?

I listen to this song over and over and is such a discription of how I feel currently. It makes me wish that love was an easy thing, that having a crush on someone was an easy thing. I hope one day I just have an epiphany and know exactly who I'm meant to be with. Know exactly how I am supposed to live my life. I know when it is supposed to happen it will. But until then, I guess I will just try and get a grip, hold my chin up, and keep living life to the fullest. He will come around some day...he will make my life complete.....someday.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Within The Next Year I Will....

A list of goals that I will complete within the next year:
  • Use my Flex CD at Goldenwest Credit Union for house savings.
  • Put 10% of every check into a Money Market account for Emergency Savings.
  • Buy a newer car
    • less than 10,000 miles on it.
    • This will help to build credit.
  • Pay off my Visa Credit card and my Line of Credit.
    • Line of Credit for have to situations only
    • Visa only when I have the money to just go home and pay it off.
  • Save up $10,000 for a downpayment on a house, and for the fixup costs of the house. (i.e. new carpet, paint, new appliances, ect.)
  • Purchase a small starter house for Broderyck, Grenade and I.
    • 3 bedrooms
      • Master Bedroom
      • Broderyck's Room
      • Guest Room/Office Space
    • Small backyard
      • Not too much yardwork involved
      • A Sandbox
      • A Swingset
      • Room for Grenade to run around
      • A doggy door
      • A small patio
    • A garage
      • Car
      • Bicycles
    • 2 bathrooms
    • A big enough living room, or dining room/living room area for small family parties.
    • Fireplace
Things I do NOT want....
(which all are lifetime goals)
  • I do not want to have to call my parents for money.
  • I do not want to have to borrow money from anyone for that matter.
  • I do not want to ever have to rely on a man.
  • I do not want to be in the hole financially.
  • I do not want Broderyck to every go without.
  • I do not want someone I'm dating to distract me from my goals, but rather stand behind me and support my choices.