I never really know how to react to change, I feel like it's a constant battle. I mean, I lead a pretty spontanious life, but sometimes it feels like it's just out of control. There are, and always will be ups and downs, I get that. I just need to hang on for dear life, and ride it out to the best of my ability, be it terrifying or a thrill.
- My new job is actually more tollerable than I thought it would be. The days seem to fly by and I believe it's worth the money. I have ran into a few rude people but I just think to myself that they aren't really mad at me, they are mad at the government for making them fill out a form [maybe even 2], deal with people coming door to door, and then deal with someone who is reading the most repetive script ever on the phone. I think I would be a tad annoyed as well to be honest. But I am very thankful to have a job, regardless.
- I try so hard not to get in over my head when I like guys. Especially now, that I'm pregnant and things will only be more difficult. I try so hard to trick myself into thinking that I don't really like someone as much as I do, or that I'm just giving myself false hope. But what happens when you stop believing yourself? What happens when your heart thinks it knows everything? Everytime that person messages you, you get butterflies and smile on cue, everytime you see that person you feel instantly lighter and happier, everytime you kiss that person you feel like you're in heaven...but you don't get alot of time with that person, you both have your own obligations that sometimes out-weigh one another, or one in particular....what happens then?
- Living at home again has been a MAJOR challenge for me. Going from just me and Grenade to a house full of hormonal girls again has been...intense. I don't really want to live back here, I really want to be out on my own again, paying my own bills, cooking my own food, shopping vegan, having my own private space, decorating the way I want to. I hate having all of my belongings shoved into boxes and thrown randomly in the garage. I'm starting to feel like a burden around here, like things were easier for everyone else when I wasn't living here. My sister who's 17 seems to feel like I'm stepping into her territory by coming back, since while I was gone she was technically "the oldest" I really don't want anything to do with domination, or being the one in charge. I could care less. I try so hard to be a good big sister, give advice when asked, listen, share treats when I have them, try and not hog the tv remote. It just feels like everything I do in that area backfires.....one year and I'm going to have a down payment on a house....just gotta keep telling myself that.
- I think that I'm going to start claiming Straight Edge. Alot of girls don't, and I've heard mixed reviews on why they don't. But it's truly not about fighting or "gang" activity I see it as a way of life. I'm avidly against drug-use and I've had my run in a time or two with alcohol and hate it. So why should I be any less "able" to claim a title just because I'm a girl and because I'm not super "tough."
- I've decided to re-gauge my ears, I'm going to go to a 3/4. And after I have Broderyck I'm going to get my entire left side, and my entire right leg tattooed. I'm done giving a crap about "what about when you're old?" or "you're going to be a mom, what is that going to do to your son" and just what other people think in general 1. tattoos are an expression of ones self. I'm not getting anything because someone else said it would be cool, I'm getting them because it's things that I've always wanted and I'm young and can pull them off and just LOVE tattoos And 2. My son will be raised however I want to raise him, and him having a tattooed vegan mom isn't going to make him any less a great person. He will understand that he has to wait until he's 18 to get a tattoo just like me, but I will gladly support him in his choices and go with him even.
You can't live your life by anyone else's rules. You have to make your own choices, whether that is down a path where someone else traveled or start your own. Just because you make a choice that someone else suggested or you see someone else living a certain way and you'd like to try it and see if it works for you, that doesn't make you any less unique. No matter HOW individual the choice someone, somewhere has made that choice. I find alot of strength in being myself, standing up for what I believe in and living my life to the fullest....and I am so thankful for the company that I keep who support my choices and will always be there no matter how I choose to live my life. I love you all.
No comments:
Post a Comment